Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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