I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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