I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Randomize
