What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
