We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize