Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Randomize
