tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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