I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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