he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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