Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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