he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Someone stole a lamp last night.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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