i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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