To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
