hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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