Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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