The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
