My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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