Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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