My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
