I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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