like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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