I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize