I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
