The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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