you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
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I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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