Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
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