Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
