I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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