The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
