Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Houston, we have a squirter
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
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