you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
