i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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