Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Every concussion has its silver lining
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
