I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
