Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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