Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
