i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
