yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
