she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
