We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
