Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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