I cannot find my penis.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Randomize