i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Randomize
