the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
The Olympian is in my bed
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