She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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