I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
