i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
