if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
