Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
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i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
The air was thick with penises
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He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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