i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
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So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
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During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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