I think my fart just growled at me.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Randomize
