i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
