If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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