remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
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After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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