just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
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a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
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also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
50% drunk capacity currently
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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