i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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