No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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