I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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