Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
