My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Randomize
