i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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