She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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