i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
