Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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