life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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